Metaphor Killed the Cave Diver by Helena Bell
This parody poem was partly inspired by William Bell's Poem, "The Cave" and partly inspired by the irritation of hyperbole in cave diving books.
Life’s brave beacon stood so fine,
Characterized by golden line.
Solemn Reaper stood as guard,
O’er the cave whose entrance he barred.
And blacker than a starless night,
Stood the cave without hopeful light.
So bravely the diver unsheathed his sword,
And the Dive-Rite HID appeared for his lord.
Cutting through the jagged edges,
The light shone on across perilous ledges…
But should this hope begin to fade,
Two more stood ready at brave knight’s aid.
Deadly enticements at every turn,
For the road less traveled his desire burns.
And so he pushes on to complete his quest,
To slay the dragon, the uninvited guest.
And ready before him, stood his steed,
The brave DPV that travels with speed.
Up with a cry and down the tunnel with zest,
But man and machine are no match for this test.
The dragon stands ready, at the top of his game,
While this man in his foolery thinks it be tame.
For this dragon is no Puff, and he is not Paper,
But maybe if he were high, he’d be a bit safer.
The hogwash and frippery! His mind is a mush,
He doesn’t know nothing! All he wants is a rush!
The challenge, the thrill! The stories he’ll tell!
The phrases he’ll use, the monsters he felled…
Is it survival of the fittest? The luck of the draw?
What shall he tell them, to put them in awe…
“I escaped only barely! Using my wits and my brains!”
Just think of the weight his ego will gain…
And while he was pondering, the myth and reality,
The dragon cut of his air, with ironic finality.
Coughing and sputtering, the man awoke with a scream,
I’ll never be Lloyd Bridges, not even in my dreams!